Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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