It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
