about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
