Don't make out with my wife yet
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
