Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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