dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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