First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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