I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
