So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
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