My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
