i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
