someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
