Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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