All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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