I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
