The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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