Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
