I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
