she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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