Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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