If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize