she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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