the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
