My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
