I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize