what day is it and did you see me today?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
