Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
