He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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