If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
