God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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