I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
