I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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