I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I could teleport
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
