The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
