It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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