I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
