I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
