I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize