im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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