My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
