You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
