i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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