Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
