So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
