Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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