I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
