so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
