My liver just broke up with me...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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