she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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