i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
