I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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