Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think I have vodka in my lungs
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
