That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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