it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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