Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
high people should be assigned attendants
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize