i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
