Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
