Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize