She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
