i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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