Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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